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I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day