You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.