me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
my first dose meeting my second
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”