Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
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[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.