What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
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Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Many hands make light work
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school