ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
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[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Unexpected Judgment
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.