Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
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Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
as is their right
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.