I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.