The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
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Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Leonardo DiCaprisun
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
*weighs self after shaving
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw