“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
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My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.