I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
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My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Nice try Hitler
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.