Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
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I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.