i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
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{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
#SCOTUS one-star review
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)