Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
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Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I have no passwords left in me
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I don’t get marriage
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.