[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
You Might Also Like
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Saving my good tweets for marriage
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Breaking news:
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party