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If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
#damn
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button