People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.