I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
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My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.