I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
You Might Also Like
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My dating profile:
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?