Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
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Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”