[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
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[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”