Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
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The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.