Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
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Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Good boy 😂😂
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.