When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
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Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.