I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Oh yeah that’s it
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.