“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Worst perfume name ever.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Not helping
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.