I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
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CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
my professor scared me for a second
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
my favorite genre of twitter