Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
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Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
lol
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?