My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
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*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.