“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
This is the one
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side