No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
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I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Just a friendly reminder!
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
my name if I was in the mob
#inspiration #foodforthought
Stop sending me this shit.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.