We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
SCARY COSTUME
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Beware of fowl play.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.