Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
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“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
where the womens at?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion