Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Wait a second…
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.