Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
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You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”