If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
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Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My dating profile:
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.