Who.
Did.
This?
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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.