I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
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Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on