it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
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I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her: