ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
That’s what I call a flat tire
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.