So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
don’t be scared
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.