If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Hitlers gonna hitl