People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
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If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
went fishing caught a bass
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you