[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
You Might Also Like
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
the icebreaker
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Have a lovely day 😊