He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
buys donuts instead
OKAY DAD
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.