I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*