I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
You Might Also Like
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
😏😏😏
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
CRYING
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.