She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…