Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
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usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Just grow your own