To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
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Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language